Fuckwit Cyclists

A word to cyclists.
By Tony Groves Today at 19:32
I fucking hate cyclists. There, the
cat ’s out of the bag. Face it, push-
bikers contribute nothing, don’t
pay any road tax and if one ever
runs into your car you will discover
to your cost, that they don ’t have
any insurance either. I don’t drive
and never have, so I’m hating
cyclists purely from the perspective
of a pavement basher, but one
who still sees the essential
unfairness of one bunch of road
users freeloading off another
bunch.
Bikers ride on the pavements even
when no single car is in sight. They
weave through pedestrian
precincts and dodge down the
wrong side of the road as if they
were invulnerable to harm. They
sail through traffic lights, road
junctions and crossings, ignoring
common sense and all the rules of
the highway, terrifying innocent
shoppers and mums with prams
and toddlers, intimidating people
on foot with their near silent
approaches, with no slightest sign
of remorse or sense of
wrongdoing.
They ride like brainless idiots,
scooting in and out of traffic,
going from road to footpath and
back again, without signalling their
intentions or giving a moment ’s
thought to the motorists who have
to slam on their brakes or swerve
dangerously in order to avoid
them. They don ’t give a rocket-
propelled shit about anyone but
themselves, yet still have the cheek
to feel they are hard done by,
constantly whining about the lack
of cycle lanes (which they rarely
fucking use anyway, even though
they are provided gratis, courtesy
of tax-paying car drivers), forever
bleating about how inconsiderate
other road users are to them, for
crying out loud. The traffic lights
do apply to you as well you know,
arseholes.
And what is their excuse for acting
like crazed mobile yobs and
expecting the rest of us sinners to
dodge out of their saintly leg-
powered ways? That they are using
an environmentally friendly mode
of transport, that’s what. Well, you
dangerously bloody arrogant
cycling terrorists ain ’t too friendly
to my environment. No sir. May I
also point out, here, that the
bicycle was not designed for you
lazy chav shits to walk your lead-
less muzzle-less pet pit-bull
Sampson, nor are they meant to
be used as mobile telephone
kiosks. In other words:
WATCH WHERE YOU’RE FUCKING
GOING CLOWN!
And I hope the arsehole on the
racing bike who jumped the red
light and almost knocked me
down recently, broke his sweaty
weather-fucking-beaten neck
about ten yards further up the
road. If I see that prick again, I’m
going to tip him over and watch
him wriggling like an upended
beetle, struggling to get his feet
out of the stirrups before a fuck-
off tanker lorry comes along and
squishes him like the shit-
burrowing insect he is.
Personally, I would like to see a
total holocaust among this
breathtakingly selfish fraternity of
bi-wheeled ignoramuses. Then,
once we ’d wiped out the sticky-
lycra wearing bastards, we could
have all their mountain bikes
melted down and turned into
electric trams and statues of
famous walkers like Scot of the
Antarctic, Ian Botham and various
American astronauts. The latter
didn ’t walk very far, I know, but it
was on the moon, so hey, that’s
still gotta count.
Anyway, cyclists, I hate you
because you are a menace to the
public, a pain in the arse with your
bitching about car drivers when
you are to blame in almost every
accident and near miss and
because you think it’s ok to dump
your bike wherever you like - on
the floor outside shop doorways,
for example, because you ’re only
concerned with what you want to
buy and not if any other fucker
can actually get into the place
thanks to your thoughtlessly
erected barricade.
Mind you, at least cycling with
criminal stupidity means the
mortality rate on the roads for
bikers must be considerably higher
than for other users and with each
one that gets themselves wiped
out, I guess that makes the rest of
us that little bit safer.
Wankers, the fucking lot of you.
Use a bit of common sense and
common decency and who knows,
I might stop hating you. Except for
Boris the bike Johnson, the fat
blond twat, with his stupid rent a
bike scheme, wasting untold
millions putting gaudy bright blue
cycle lanes all over the bloody
place that will likely get used
about as often as the moon turns
the same colour as the lanes.
There's one bike lane near me at
the end of a quiet, rarely used
road, and it's about five feet long
with a little bollard seperating it
from the road proper. Why? What
for? How much did it cost and
which over paid wazzock decided
it was a good idea? These people
are so dumb, it's enough to make
you spit red hot rivets. That money
could have gone to the kids
hospital or a hospice, instead it's
wasted on an unused bit of green
tat on the road that proabably
took about six council workers to
lay.
And quit the wheelies, already. If
that ’s the only lame trick you can
do it just makes you look like a
fucking sap. Unless you intend
falling off and seriously injuring
yourself, in which case, please
continue. I like a good belly laugh
and seeing any of you pig ignorant
cycling maniacs bleeding on the
pavement is one of life ’s simple
pleasures...