A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the
hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."

There was a Soldier, a lonely soldier..........

The Genealogy of the Schitt's

The Jack Schitt story

---------------------

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack

Schitt!"

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an

intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.

They had one son, (pictured above), Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.

The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva

Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school
dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt

later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them,

she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known

as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a

rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt,

were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently

married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens

nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new

Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt,"

you can correct them. (Pictured right, two of the Schitt kids being bathed).

Knees. (By Spike Milligan)

You've got to have knees
You've got to have knees
They're the things that take stock when you sneeze.

You've got to have knees
You've got to have knees
They only come in twos but never threes.

You've got to have knees
You've got to have knees
In winter fill them up with anti-freeze.

You've got to have knees
You've got to have Knees
Famous for having them are Bees.

You've got to have knees
You've got to have knees
If you want to see mine, say please.

You've got to have knees
You've got to have knees
They help you run away from falling trees
Knees. Wonderful knees

The Best Excuse!

I had just bought a new BMW M5 and had decided to take it out for a run, when I noticed a police car behind me. I was well over the speed limit so I thought "I am in a BMW, he is in a police car- I can easily get away". However, after a few minutes of chasing, I realized I am just making my situation worse. So I pulled over and waited. The policeman came around and surprisingly said:
-Look, mate, it has been a bad day, its Friday 13th, its the end of my shift, I really cant be bothered to deal with you right now, so if you give me the best excuse I have never heard before, I will let you go.
I said:
-Last week my wife ran away with a traffic cop. I got scared its was him chasing me to give her back to me.
The policeman:
-Good night, Sir.

Adverts by Rambo!

Last night I went into my local supermarket and killed everyone on sight,
but not before tipping over everything I could from freezers to trolleys.

Then I walked into the staff room shouting at the top of my lungs, "WHERE'S
THE STUFF, GIVE ME ALL YOU HAVE, OR ELSE"!

They gave me around about 15 box's of the stuff. I then killed them and set light to the shop and made a quick get away with box's filled with every thing my heart has been calling out for.


Crunchy Nut Cornflakes, they're ludicrously tasty.

In the Cave.

Bin Laden addressing his troops in his Cave.


"It has become apparent to me that an American infidel has penetrated into our Al Quaeda ranks and is spying on us.
He is passing delicate information on to the western dogs.
In the name of Allah he must be caught and exterminated!
I am setting up a party to find and establish the spy's identity and carry out the execution.
The party will comprise of:
Omar Muhammed Mullar,

-Muhammed Muhammed Mamdouh,

-Ali Muhammed Jihad,

-Muhammed Allah Nazim and -Chuck."

A Case of Wind.

A man goes to a hospital because he just cannot stop breaking wind.

"Doctor, PLEASE help me!"

He says. "I just can't stop." Throughout his complaining, he keeps farting. "You've got to help me".

"I know........." Says the doctor. "I've got just the thing".

He reached for a large pole, with a hook on the end.

"OH GOD NO! PLEASE!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT...!?" The farts increase.

He grabbed the pole and edged towards him.

"NOO, please, don't......"

"What are you on about?" Asks the doctor.



"I'm going to open the fucking window".

French Military History. (Nicked from somewhere, can't remember where).

French Military History in a Nutshell

Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare - "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchmen."

Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years' War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution: Tied; Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War: Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Deluded Frogophiles the world over label the period as the height of French Military Power.

War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting".

French Revolution: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

WWI: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

WWII: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare -"We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.

War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.